This week Hope Clark suggested the No-Nos of blog writing.  I’m an offender, I admit.  The biggest crime of mine is number two on her list:  “Not updating regularly. This lack of effort reflects on your respect for the readership. At least two times a week is decent.”  So I’m going to try at at least write something a couple times a week.  Well, I say that, but I don’t know if it will happen.  I don’t have a readership to this blog and it’s more for me to write things down as I see fit and feel the need to do so.  This, of course, is errors five and six that I am also guilty of:  “Don’t write about a topic that isn’t appealing to the masses.” (Though I think diets and the economy are fairly common interests.) And “try to keep blog posts under 300 words.”  I rarely do this.  To me it seems like you don’t care enough to write anything.  Honestly, when I saw small journal entries, I thought they weren’t good writers.  I guess that just stems from my English major days when we were to write as much as we could in four hours on a topic.  Plus, when I taught, elaboration and details were key.  But, those kids weren’t writing blog posts;  they were trying to pass middle school.

Now, my reason for writing my very concise blog entry today is that I had a great revelation the other day.  After worrying about two pounds on the scale, I tried to give up and eat extra pizza, or extra cookies.  That lasted a few days.  Then I was reading on my Weight Watchers discussion board about people asking if a plateau was a word loosely used.  People mentioned that just because you’re not loosing a bunch of weight each week and are slowly but surely getting healthier, what’s the point in worrying.  So I decided to look at it that way;  just eat right because it’s good for me to do.  I’ll look better and feel better.  I don’t have to announce my pesky number on the scale to anyone.

Plus, my Mister told me on Thursday morning, when I decided the weather was nice enough to go walk and jog.  “Do it for the fun of it.”  I realized how right on he was and I had never thought about any of this in such simple terms.  It was all about trying so hard and getting things perfect and if I didn’t work hard enough I wasn’t giving it all of my effort.  He was right too about saying how easy it is to get obsessed with my numbers for my weight.  It’s so alluring.  “If you weigh this amount, you’ll be better.”  Who do I want to be better than and why do I care?  This is only for myself anyway;  I’m the one who gets overly worried about each little flaw.  And it’s a waste of time.  It really is.  But I guess for a woman it’s so, so easy to do.  Unfortunately.

And so that was all I had to post for today.  I have less than two weeks before I’m back to my new home again for a visit.  I’m excited and going to have to do so much straightening up and wrapping and packing that I don’t know where to begin.  I’ll get it sorted though.  Hhmm…569 words.  I guess that means I’m over my limit again.  Maybe I’ll have less to say when I post again in a few days.  (I really should make myself a schedule for when I update my blog too.)

Technorati Tags: diet,Personal,blog,blogger,blogging,blogs,writers,Writing,health,travel,holidays,journal,exercise,running

del.icio.us Tags: diet,Personal,blog,blogger,blogging,blogs,writers,Writing,health,travel,holidays,journal,exercise,running

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=124

It’s weird how the temptation to get down on yourself shows up.  First it starts with some little insecurity.  You contemplate it for a day or two then you finally try to get it wrapped around your head that it’s all right.  But in the meantime, while analyzing it, you decide, nope, not okay.  That’s then when the self criticism gets a little hook to sink into you.  That’s when you have to toss it off all together or you’ll let it manifest;  drag you down.  I’ve seen that happen time and time again in myself.  I never know why or how before.  Now I recognize it and can walk away.

I’ve been so frustrated and cranky lately.  Before it was just my weight and my absolute inability to stop eating (or so I thought).  Then I realized I’m just by myself.  I always hated to admit that word “lonely” because it sounds so pathetic and vulgar, but that’s what it is.  I don’t have anyone to hang out with while my Mister is so far away, so it’s just me day in and day out, trying to make the time go by.  This weekend, it just got to me. 

And now I’m writing a blog post instead of doing my homework. 

It’s been a few days since I started this post and now I’m a lot better than I was.  Still, I have something that is plaguing me in a bad way and I’m not sure what to do about it.  It’s very girlie and cliché to talk about dieting and losing weight;  I understand that.  But every day it’s a whole battle.  I lost weight before, when I smoked and had nothing in my life but myself to obsess over.  Now, I just can’t not eat.  I try.  I count my Weight Watcher points, I go to the gym, but it’s not enough. 

When I lost my weight the first time, I realized that you really do have to be mildly anorexic to get any results.  This just isn’t an option for me anymore.  I’m hungry.  I want food.  I’ve taken the stuff that makes you want less food;  it made me sick.  My doctor told me that it spikes your blood pressure and, hence, I had a massive, horrible headache after taking it.  Exercise is good, yes, but you have to work your ass off to get any results, and then you waste your hard work eating something that tastes good.  It makes you feel even worse, like you still lost the battle.

So I’m not sure what to do now.  I’m not overeating at all, I’m sincere about this.  But I’m still sitting in between two pesky pounds.  When I do go to the gym, all I get is 2 extra points for walking 30 minutes.  Same as if I jogged and walked.  Pointless to jog, so I quit.  I can’t eat anything that isn’t from the grocery store.  If you get a Subway sub, it’s almost as many points as getting a cheeseburger from Wendy’s.  Again, pointless.  Both have vegetables so in the dieting game of “I want to eat and not drive myself crazy” you just can’t even think about having something that’s not pre-packaged, low fat, non-fat, low sugar, less calories, etc. etc. 

Yes, it is maddening.  I mean, I feel like the whiniest, weakest person for not being able to eat just one regular meal for the day and have something small every other time I’m hungry.  And when I say small, I mean, half a can of chicken noodle soup, or a handful of Special K crackers.  And maybe if I trained myself to do it, I could eat less.  But right now, it just isn’t happening.  I look at all these food commercials they have on television now and think, “How can these places still be in business?  Lord knows, none of us can eat this junk!”

Anyway, that’s just my body mass, self control, obsession I have now that I had to get off my chest.  I’ve though about another diet other than Weight Watchers;  maybe that would work.  All I know is I just can’t not eat.  I eat low fat, but I still need food.  Since I’ve been sick from my ulcer, not having anything in my stomach after a while makes it flair up, so even if I have a piece of toast, it’s got to be eaten or I get sick.

I’m not sure what exactly to do, but I’m tired of being so upset at myself about it anymore.  Maybe it’s just the plateau that everyone goes through.  Maybe I should walk an hour every day instead.  I don’t know what else would help, but what use to work just doesn’t anymore.  I still say finding happiness makes that self sacrificing bug leave us.  And I think that’s good.  But when you want to reach a goal for yourself and you just struggle and struggle with yourself, it’s quite emotionally tiring.  Happiness is way more fun.  I probably shouldn’t even let any of this bother me anymore but the possibility of getting overweight again is just something I want to risk.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=122

In my last post I forgot to mention how I realized that work is a lot like school.  This doesn’t seem like much of an analogy, but when I was in school I wanted to spend my time daydreaming, writing, anything else that I wanted to do.  I never could get into the mindset of just doing what I was supposed to be doing, just because someone said I should.  Granted, I’ve grown up now and I understand to be thankful for my employment and keep myself enjoying where I am.  But wanting to shut out the situation and delve in my little dream world of writing and books and stories and my journal (now my blog;  hence the Twittering from my phone during the day), that’s still something I consider.  So, it occurred to me, on Friday, that it was just how I felt in school.  I didn’t want to learn math, I didn’t want to talk to people there, I just wanted to be in my own little dream world.  I’m glad I have come out of that shell in many ways, but still, the world of what’s important to me is the best place.  At least there’s stuff going on there rather than just the sounds of a Xerox machine going and an occasional phone ringing in the distance.  Yeah, it’s that quiet in there.  Thank God for iTunes.

Sitting here with my coffee on Wednesday, listening to church on television.  This always helps me get motivated for the morning.  The whole message is about not complaining about your situation because you’re lucky to have what you have.  I understand.  I want to complain about worrying about how boring work could be if I don’t have anymore work to do today.  Sitting there for 8 and 1/2 hours without anything to do is torture.  Yes, there are podcasts, but trying to keep a positive attitude that I have work is the only way to get through it.  It’s funny;  I went through so much stress as a teacher, now I have no stress at all.  No stress must make me nuts;  that’s no kind of way to be.

I really am wondering if working is just not for me.  I mean, to be out of the house so much.  I just like being at home.  I can busy myself with so many things around.  I understand the need for money but, yeah, I’d rather do what I want to do.  That was always the case with me.  Too bad I gave up on being a full time writer.  I could stay home for that and have a job I liked.  Anyway, no complaining.  I’ll think up stories while I’m at work today.

It’s Sunday but I have tomorrow off as well.  It took me all of Saturday to get rested.  I was in no mental state for blog writing.  There was no interest in anything; shopping, video games, television, library classes, blogging…none of it.  Now the morning is quite quiet and I’m finishing up my coconut coffee;  have to go back to Target and get more of this stuff. 

I’m disappointed in my weight loss project.  Since I started working I’ve not exercised as much as usual.  After I talk to my mister in the evenings, it’s already after 7PM.  A lot of times there have been neighborhood muscle men in the gym, hogging up the whole place with their routines.  If I wait a little longer, I can get in there to do what I want, but it’s a creepy feeling to be alone in an apartment lobby after dark.  So since I’ve not been as active as I was when I wasn’t working and had the day to get myself exercised and eat very little meals all day, I’ve not lost an ounce.  I’ve followed my Weight Watchers plan as usual but still, I’ve not budged.  Very annoying and extremely disappointing.  At least the work is only temporary so if there’s any positives about being unemployed, it’s that I can get control of my weight easier. 

Work picked up this week too though, which I was grateful for.  On Friday I was running the show for a bit, then had to help someone with something all day.  As long as I have things to do, keep myself busy and the day goes by at a quick pace, I’m fine.  But without having some kind of work to be done, I feel like I’ll go mad with boredom.  I thought about, the other day, how it was all in my attitude;  I was stressed to the max as a teacher and now I have no stress.  I need to be grateful for that and just get on with it.  It’s just when forced to sit and do nothing comes along, when I can’t read or write or sleep or play online, that’s when I go crazy.  It’s a panicky feeling I get when I walk into work, knowing I’ll be bored all day.  Again, it was the same feeling I had as a high school girl.  Hated just having to sit there, not doing the things I wanted to do.  That’s why I always wanted to go to the library so I’d have privacy to read and write and be left alone.  I don’t mind being out of the house and having a schedule.  I just want to spend my days doing what I want to do with my life.  Sure, that sounds immature maybe, but I’ve just not found the job that I love.  I really like the job I have now, I honestly do.  But on the days when there’s nothing to do, I want to run from the building screaming.  I even fantasize about driving away, just because I can. 

I have an update on my lovely new, used Blackberry Curve as well.  So I bought new housing for it, again, so now it’s a nice, pearly pink.  However, the keyboard that came with it had the keys in the wrong place, so like V and W were switched, A and Q as well.  Plus, the backing to the silly thing wasn’t even functional.  Nothing to connect to the battery to make it connect to the phone’s motherboard.  What a dodgy thing!  So I complained to the seller, and, luckily, had parts to replace the bad parts with.  Now it seems to be fine, so hopefully I won’t be fighting with it anymore.  I want an iPhone though.  I’ve started dreaming about one and all its apps.  While I’m working, I need to get one, that’s all there is to it.

I also have to start laptop shopping.  I’ll need one by December.

But with all of that said, I’ve finally ordered my iPhone 3GS so I’m happy.  I got it straight from the Apple store.  Nothing dodgy from Ebay.  It will take a few days to get here and then I’m ready to play.  I’m so excited.  I’ll have to sell old, new Curve though.  Meh, at least with all the extra housing I have for it, it should get some of what I paid for it. 

Is it right to love gadgets this much?

Now it’s late on Saturday night and it’s time to post this entry.  I’ve not gone to the gym, though I though I would tonight.  A nap ended up being more desirable.  Oh well, there’s always the whole rest of the week to go down there for 40 minutes and gain a few extra food points for the week.  Weight Watchers really is a handy plan.  Oh and, duh.  I did lose a pound this week.  Hooray!

The money’s been taken out for my iPhone, so it will be here this week.  The housing that was all messed up from my Curve was offered to be returned for a refund.  I’ll take the seller up on that.  Then I can sell the actual phone out, after I get my iPhone.  I’ve had nothing but problems with that Curve (not the actual functioning of it;  just my tinkering with it never worked out) so I’ll be glad to take some money for it and send it elsewhere.

I’m glad to have another day to hang about the place and relax.  Tomorrow I’ll go to Wal-Mart with Mom, then come home, go to the gym, then check my library classes for what assignments I need to do.  I had planned on trying to get my teacher classes done, but I’m going to drop those too.  The library classes are just way too much, now that I see the syllabi and the weekly assignments.  Plus, there’s no sense in taking them now when I know I’m not going to live in Florida for more than a year;  no point in getting a teaching certificate for a place you won’t be staying in, right?  So that will be some money back in my account.  I’ll only have an income for a few more weeks anyway.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=117

There’s something to having a blog that doesn’t have your name directly linked.  It’s not that I talk about anything I wouldn’t talk to with someone I saw directly, I just like having the freedom.  There’s a nice, easy feel to knowing I have a blog that’s just for me, just to write down what I think and feel, without someone coming into work saying, “Hey, I read your post last night.”  Not that it really matters, but still.  Privacy is always the better option.  Plus, I need to write all the time so not having a blog where I write openly is not an option.  Hence, I keep my veiled existence over here for just me and my mister to know the truth about. 

It’s weird how I can make myself do what I need to do in the morning.  I guess I have been getting into bed at a good time.  It’s better than dreading the day and wishing I could be home to take a nap.  I guess my attitude is always the main thing to keep in check.  If I think it’s awful, it will be.  If I don’t, it won’t. 

Tuesday means not Monday.  I keep getting ready earlier than I need to be, which is good.  Less rushing around, trying to get on the road by 7:00PM.  So I have a little over a month of work, so that’s some money coming.  Then I got word that my Student Loans will deposit some extra cash in my account.  I’ve decided to take this as a sign to pay off these piddley credit cards.  Now, the consolidation loan, I just can’t pay.  I’d have to save and save and then pay off in, oh, who knows.  But I can make a plan and a budget and get on the right track.  One of the girls at work suggest I read Dave Ramsey’s book, so I ordered that.  I started listening to him on the radio on the way home as well.  At least I know that there’s hope, I’m not the only one with this problem and there are people in worse shape than I am. 

And now it’s Saturday, which brings me to the end of my blog updating.  I didn’t write much during the week, unfortunately.  I’m still playing with this used Blackberry Curve 8310.  I changed out the housing because the back button, to the right of the trackball, was chipped.  Plus the screen was dusty inside.  It just needed a bit of an overhaul.  I’m not 100% pleased with my housing and handy work right now, as the trackball doesn’t like to go left as easily as it should.  I’ve also discovered that the screws are old, presumably, and the head of them got stripped out when I tried to get them out.  Now I’ve ordered new screws, pink housing and a silicone case to match.  Here’s hoping I get it sorted and am happy with it in the end.  At least it works well and I have plenty of things I can do with it.  I mean, the Yahoo mail and Facebook applications are enough to make me content.  It was mainly the ease of texting.  The Pearl 8100 I have was just driving me crazy.  At least now I have a full keyboard, can see my pictures with the larger screen and make videos (whenever I get a chance to try that option out, I can post that too.)

Aside from that, work has been okay.  It was hard for me on Friday to get through the day because it was the end of my first full week back.  I had sleepy eyes from the start, especially since I had stayed up a bit later playing with this silly phone.  If I get to sleep too early, I’m tired the next day.  If I sleep too little, I get that hazy, dream-like feeling.  Only with seven hours sleep can I function well.  It’s easier to fight off the halogen lights overhead, the lack of windows, the lack of noise in the place, and the constant staring at a bunch of numbers on a computer screen.  I started listening to podcasts on my iPod instead, just so I can have something feeding and entertaining my brains while I sit there.  I try to not count down the hours that I’ve worked or still have to work.  The clock never moves fast enough if I do.  I try to just keep my mind of the work and what I’m listening to and let time take care of itself.  Some days it’s hard though.

So that’s about all that I have for the physical, daily side of my life.  I’m still on my diet, still trying to get rid of the weight I gained over the past year or so.  I was eating my salad tonight and thinking about the correlation between happiness and weight.  You’re miserable and loathe yourself when you’re too big.  Then when you lose weight and get smaller and smaller, it’s like another misery.  Never being small enough and having to keep working until you’re satisfied.  Now, when you’re content and happy, a nice, medium, healthy size is what we, or at least I, end up being.  So it’s not too big, but it’s not as small as I could be.  And when I’m okay with that and am working at it little by little, still keeping strong in the ways of eating right, then I’ve won any battle that has to do with food.  I understand how hard it is, when there are things that taste so good and you just can’t have it anymore.  Before, I ate Burger King and pizza and didn’t care.  Now I can’t do that anymore and I’m smaller.  My clothes fit better.  I’m happier to dress up when I go to work because I have a better, all around appearance. 

I still think I should write my book on lessons I’ve learned for myself.  Granted, the blog serves as this outlet for discussing such things, but a book would work if it had that distinct focus.  Hhmm…

Anyway, I’m trying to think of what else to talk about in here.  I’ve not gone to the gym as much because of work.  That concerns me a bit because it also means I’m not reading as much either.  (At least I have the podcasts though.)  I won’t spend this weekend doing much.  I’m still trying to download applications for the phone and finding something good on TV (there’s never anything good on, I have to admit).  I’ve been in the mood for Fall now that it’s around the corner.  I keep thinking about the times when the air was cool and crisp, and I was out getting pies from Honey Baked Ham.  I like those memories, but I like that I’ll have new ones in the future.  I was thinking that in the bath tonight too, about how, miraculously, when we get older and wiser we stop caring about such stupid things.  The past doesn’t matter as much, our insecurities, or worries, none of them are really as big of a deal when we get more mature.  I’m glad of that.

Technorati Tags: blog,personal,work,technology,blackberry,facebook,employment,writing,journal,diary

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=115

I’m going to start this blog post now and post it whenever I get ready to do so.  Maybe tonight, maybe Friday, maybe not until the weekend.  I’ve had a bit of a rejuvenation in my post interests, which is usually how it goes.  Post a few, stay a way for a while, post once, wait…  But I’ve been having the feeling of being in high school, or even elementary school again.  Like when the time at school always seemed fun just because I had other things of interest that I could think about while I sat at a desk around my friends. 

I got my call back to work last Friday and I started back yesterday (Wednesday.)  It was a complete surprise since the whole space program is going topsy-tervy very soon.  People are getting laid off and our company is going from one thing into two, uncertain companies next year.  So just being able to hang out for a little over a month is nice.  Get some money, hang out and be around everyone again.  Have some motivation from day to day.  Yeah, it’s like going to school.  Like the first week of school when it’s familiar but new all at the same time and you feel excited for that second chance at something you’re use to.

It’s Friday now and I’ve had a good first few days back to work.  I couldn’t start on Monday this week so I only have three days in so far.  But the rest of the weeks, I’ll have all of my 40 hours in, but no overtime.  Since, again, the company is going into a new phase next year, I’m not sure what will happen now that the first set of people will be leaving around the same time I will. 

Now on Saturday, I will post this entry.  It’s nothing much, but it’s better than letting the blog sit here for months at a time without any action.  I got the Blackberry Curve in the mail from Ebay, so I have to set it up with the Twitter mobile options and such.  (No, I don’t have the Blackberry account set up;  just the basics.)  Once I get it figured all out, I can use it to Twitter some more from work or something.  And everyone loves Twitter.  Ha ha.  I looked into getting my Tumblr account updated with everything else.  I found it was way too hard to keep messing with all the mirror sites and cross posting.  Just the basic ones are going to have to be okay for me.  The whole purpose is to keep things less cluttered, more manageable.

Anyway, i think if I do write something each morning, I can do all right with keeping things updated.  Granted, there’s not much to say about work.  I sit at my desk, sort papers, enter things in databases.  Nothing really is going on since the Space Program is dwindling down.  Well, I mean it’s starting up in a new direction, but it’s not with our company, so once the shuttle goes, a lot of people will go.  People are already going, my Dad included, so it’s already beginning;  that whole change over into a new, uncertain chapter in Space Exploration.

The only other mention I have is with friends again.  One of my friends from high school is someone I still talk to once in a while in email and texts.  And I just can’t let that go any further.  I can’t go visit, I can’t really participate in keeping a lot of communication up.  It’s just the same things with her and I cut off ties with that a long time ago when I realized how it was hindering me rather than anything.  This is the same with my recent break off of friendships.  I had to just let that go even though I knew it would probably upset her.  But when it came right down to it, I had nothing to connect with her on anymore.  She wanted me to do things for her constantly despite what I had going on in my own life.  And I’m not the type to confront anyone if they’ve hurt me, so I just let the whole thing go.  I’ve thought about it a lot lately, but once I got back to work, I realized I was only thinking about it because I was just out of productivity mode.  Once I started using my time wisely, the revelation came that I’m doing the best thing for me and I shouldn’t feel guilty.  None of my separation from any former friends is to be cruel, it’s just that I’m a different person and the connection of common ground isn’t there anymore.  I don’t want to be yelled at, cursed at, used as a doormat or an outlet for negative babble.  I’m a happy person and I want to be surrounded by happy people.  What I had before was far from happy and I have no intention of going back.  I have clear goals in mind.  No one in my past was supportive or caring to begin with, I was just the one who didn’t put up a fuss.  Now I just don’t want to say anything to them anymore.  Past things don’t have much impact on me anymore.

Well, aside from the dream I had about my Grandma last night.  I called her on the phone, I was going to visit her in Ohio.  I remember in the dream, I was trying to make it be her voice I heard on the line, but it’s funny how voices get removed from our memory.  We have to hear them again to remember.  I think my Great Uncle had the last video of her before she died, and I remember seeing it long ago.  Who knows where that stuff is.  It could still be in that house;  the house that my Great Grandparents raised their family in.  I miss Ohio a bit for things like that.  I won’t mind when my parents move back after Dad leaves work and I can get out of Florida in my own direction. 

Technorati Tags: blog,work,employment,space,ohio,personal,writing,friends

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=112

I don’t even feel like writing in this blog, but I will.
I started writing this post a long time ago and never got around to publishing it. I’ve written a few things in Word at work but never got around to publishing anything either. So…here’s me going into a blog entry. I’ve not updated the version of Wordpress I have, nor have I updated any links, pictures, plugins, etc. As shocking as this may sound; I have other things to do! (Finally!)
So here I am, normal, typical Saturday afternoon. 82 degrees outside, warm, humid air blowing into the living room via the patio. The cat is happy. He sits just so his body is inside with the air conditioner, but his head pokes outside to get some fresh air. He’s a smart cat; too bad he’s just full of misbehavior. But anyway…
I’m doing my same old routine as I use to when I first started getting heavy into my blog. Sitting here without anything else to do but get into my head and pile it out on paper. I also had to look for a job. I’m doing both again today. The job I have now has, as all jobs do, their goos points and bad points. First of all, I’m only on temporary contract via the temp agency, so I’m supposed to be ending my position at the end of next month. But there’s still talk by my coworkers as to why they (the managerial directors who are only referred to by name and never seen) wouldn’t just “keep me” until the whole space shuttle thing is over. (Even though now Congress has said, yes, we can extend the space shuttle for a while, there’s no word if the White House will keep its trend of saying “no” to that or not.) While the job is good, just having the job is excellent, and I really like the girls I work with, I am okay with moving into something else if I have to. There’s so much time allotted to monkey work that I feel tortured by sitting in my desk, ready to fall asleep. I work in a very quiet, very big building with few windows and lots of smart, quietly efficient engineers. They aren’t full of chitter-chatter; they’re full of keeping to themselves and doing work. If they do talk, it’s about work. All of this is good. However, when I’m being trained and I know a slim amount of what the job entails, I am not able to do all the things the other girls do with the engineers. All the acronyms and space talk gets put over my head really quick. But I am catching on somewhat, and I’m encouraged to keep the job in that respect. But, if it’s not meant to be that I stay there, then I won’t fret about it too much.
Which brings me to my entry pic up there. I’ve begun graduate classes online for a Master’s of Library and Information Science degree. It occurredto me last year that being a librarian would be up my alley, so I went ahead of applied to a school that does distance learning. Now, being that we’re in recession, I haven’t been able to get any school loans, so I’m lucky to have a job where I can pay for one class at a time on payments. Still, this is going to be a crawling effect if I can’t do this at a quicker pace by next (Summer) term, so hopefully something will come about that I’ll have money and loans. But again, however that will work out is not up to me.
Anyway, a lot of what I wrote at work that was in the best interest of the blog, was about librarian school. I’m super excited about it and have looked at jobs already that may hire me on before I have the degree; just to have me in there doing what I want to be doing. So, as I knew beforehand, my life will change dramatically again one day soon. I’ll be working in a different field and I’ll be able to go somewhere other than Florida to make my way in this world. That is enough to get up every morning and sit in a little cubicle for; just knowing that while I wait, things are opening up in my future.
And on that note, I could get into a lot of personal stuff about how happy I am and how thankful I am that I changed myself and how my life has changed for the better. But I realized somewhere during the past year that talking about things, just to talk about them to just anyone (whether it be friend or blog) is only creating disturbance in mylife. Granted, when I wasn’t working I had zero outside interests for a long while. From like Summer of 2007 until 2008. But then things changed in me. I don’t want to go out and waste my time. I don’t want to complain and bitch and moan about anything that’s caused a concern in my life (like about work or school or whatever) because it doesn’t do anything but cause someone to have a window of opportunity to judge. Now I’m pulling myself further and further away from idle talk about any problems or random comments on things that spurn negativism. It’s not about trying to be bitchy or being cruel or uncaring to anyone I consider friends. I just don’t have that element in my life where I live in mental chaos and want everyone to know about it. (Thank God.)
People can change, and I’m living proof. Something just got inside of me and pulled out all of that past crap way of living. Now I don’t need to call someone and complain all the time. I don’t need to sit here and whine about anything to my invisible blog readership. It’s just not how I want to operate anymore. It’s a hard thing to get someone to understand, maybe, especially if they’ve known me as I had always been before. Depressed, angry, scared…all the things I thought I was supposed to be to be a writer, to be intelligent, to have purpose in this life. But I’m not anymore and if that means I’ll have a nice, happy contented life, then so be it. I’m not searching for anything to make me complete anymore. I have what I need and the rest of my life is just going to go in the direction that my happiness takes me.
So with that said, I’m back to making my lunch (I’m trying to diet again but I’m having a hard time wanting to be obsessed with how much food I eat every day.) I’ve not had the time to go to the gym as much anymore either (when you don’t work and have nothing else to do, it’s way easier to be obsessed with yourself, your diet and your exercise routine.) So next week I’m going to start going to the gym for a bit at lunch with one of the girls at work. It will be good for me to do, even if for a while, just to break up the day, see some sunlight and get some exercise.
This means I’m going to have to head down to the gym in my building today or tomorrow, just to have some productive time to myself. I guess the blog entry counts as productivity too, huh?
http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=100

This morning I was flipping through channels and I saw a Q&A topic up on the screen from the (stupid) Mike and Juliet show. It was for a guest (whose name is still unavailable online or in the show’s information) finance adviser. These people amaze me. I mean, aside from the obvious “you don’t understand my situation” aspect of “you have a job, and a nice paying job that requires you to be on television and I have none”, they don’t really have any good advice.
The question today was, “I am $10,000 in debt with credit cards and I’ve lost my job, what do I do?” Well, that was me. That was me for over a year. The financial adviser said, “Call the creditors and tell them your situation. They’ll understand. They want you to be able to pay them off. They don’t want you to go into debt. They’ll give you a temporary grace period to help you through this.”
{snicker} Yeah, right!
When I lost my job, even before I stopped getting paychecks, I called every creditor I had and told them I was unemployed. They all told me, “You still have to pay.” At least Discover offered that insurance bit for if you lose your job, and I tried to enroll in that but they said it was extra money added to my monthly bill and, yeah, I still had to pay because I had to have the insurance for so long of a time before it could go into effect. On top of that they said I’d have to get a written note from my employer about being fired, like an adult version of “please excuse my daughter from gym class” note. Ridiculous.
Even the Juliet chick on the show said, “But then why are they so mean to us (the creditors) when we call them.” The “financial adviser” said, “Because you didn’t tell them you were unemployed.” {snort} I still have creditors calling me saying, “this is a desperate situation and you need to redeem this immediately!” to which I reply with, “I have told your company numerous times for the past year that I am unemployed. I have no money. When I have money, I will pay you.” This, apparently, does not matter. I even have “official” sounding calls like, “we’re from a law office” (I looked up their number by the way on Google, and they’re a creditor, same as the others, and it’s no law office.)
I’ve commented before on the stupidity of some of these financial advisers. The one that killed me was some dark haired girl on a news show, telling this guy who was a full time public school teacher to “get a second job.” As if this girl had any idea how much of your life is sucked out through just teaching. The poor guy was single, had bought a house and just wanted to know if he should use his retirement to pay off his credit card debt. No, he shouldn’t, which I could have told him, because he’ll need that and the credit crunch is temporary. But to just say, “get a second job” like it was nothing was ridiculous in itself because, Hello there aren’t jobs to be had out there!
Where do they find these people anyway?
The moral of my entry today is to do what you think is right and don’t listen to anyone’s advice (this goes for finances as well as anything in your life.) No one knows more about your life and your circumstances that you. I hadn’t worked for over a year, and I had 10 or more calls a day about my credit cards and they aren’t even that large in comparison to what other people have to deal with. Even when I investigated debt consolidation, is said that paying what I could would still keep my debt as “bad” and not clear anything up. I’ve had no new credit cards, no new purchases, nothing except paying for food, gas, bills, rent, insurance, etc. I cannot imagine what families for four are doing with a mortgage and expenses for kids to go along with that. Sheesh.
So I wonder now that the whole world knows none of us can pay for anything anymore. Not the credit cards we used to buy furniture and moving expenses, not our school loans, not our car loans, nothing. I wonder if we’re going to all get some bail out option. That is, dear creditors, when we have the ability to take up these options and pay. There is no sense in being adamant about offering us write off payments when, Hello, we have no money!
I don’t know what that lady was thinking this morning when she said, “Oh just tell them you lost your job and they’ll help you through it.” If that’s true, I want that lady to call my credit card companies and my loan companies and tell them that this is what they should do.” Maybe that will stop them from calling me all day and hanging up or “insisting” that I “call immediately” because my “situation is very important.” If it’s that important, then why didn’t they offer me to work as a debt collector at their office to pay it off. Sheesh.

http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=98

11/6/2008 
07:16 

So typing in a journal. I forgot I had that capability. I’ve just not written much of anything lately for and about myself. I kept thinking to, kept thinking I should start a new blog, get onto a new project but, alas, I have too many reasons to not. Old things tie you. You become so attached for so many reasons that it’s easier to go along with what was then ditch it all for something new. Maybe I can have duel diaries; one for random, “this is what’s going on” as D.D. is, and one for “this is really what’s going on.” I’d like that. I’d like it to be without hype and without promotion too. Just sitting there, waiting to be read by the random passer by.

But anyway, so what’s going on? Okay, I’ll write it down. I’ll list it even since that’s making things easier for me these days. I have to first mention that I’m quite down today too. I have this nagging feeling about the election; what the world wants generally isn’t a good thing, as most people can agree. So it’s scaring me to death at what’s to come (though I know I shouldn’t be.) And since I’m so in the minority on this, I won’t say anything else about it. I just hope it really is the right thing.

So back to the list:

Librarian School still hasn’t given me a thumbs up or down and I’d really like to know if I’m in because otherwise I need to send transcripts to other schools (not that I have the money for that anyway. It seems like my stakes have to be set in this school I’m awaiting a word on anyway.)
I have been offered a temporary full time job at the Cape. This means I have to give up teaching in the afternoons and try to manage just teaching at night at least until Christmas. Today I have to meet with the professor who is taking over for me then meet with the class and get them ready for the exam next week. Plus, I have papers to grade and turn back so I have to make sure everything is accounted for before I turn them over to someone else. I like the students there, I do, but teaching in the afternoons has been a bit of a pain. I leave in heavy 5 o’clock Orlando traffic and I’m starving and ready to go home, just to have the empty apartment waiting for me. But I digress…
So, the new job requires security. I’ve gone through all the security clearance hoopla (even having to report the statistics of my ex and not B.B. which I found odd) and about my traffic violations (I can’t remember that stuff!) and the drug test (they tricked me and gave me a breathilizer too; good thing I didn’t have a beer the night before!) That should be cleared, if they get ahold of everyone who I listed as friends, neighbors and co-workers, and they don’t find any discrepancies in my file, in six to ten days. Next week, I’m hoping, will begin regular work.

11/10/2008 
10:35 

It’s not even 11 in the morning and I’m already hungry and making pasta for lunch. Oh well.
I’m also forcing myself to grade papers and get things in order. I really should tally grades up too but, alas, I just want to be done with the class I’m dropping and go back to fiddling around with fun work for the class I’m keeping. I met with the new teacher last week, the one who is taking over for me in for the afternoon class. I am so grateful for him to take this class over and I’m glad the students are optimistic about him teaching them. I can’t help but think how teachers are so stuck in their own ways and I’m wondering how this transition will go on Thursday. I keep thinking too, how the new teacher sort of gave me 20 questions about how and what I did things, even giving me the typical, “Well did you try this with them?” What was most “interesting” about the new teacher’s suggestions is that I’ve taught for a longer time and {cough cough} have more experience under my belt. But, we all know how people love to be; oh, let me give you my advice and my input on something you never asked me to give you advice or imput about.

Anyway, I’m done with that after today too. (Unless said new teacher continues to ask me questions about it. I’ll go as far as to mention that I’m a tender hearted gal and this is an older man so it’s safe to say we both have vastly different approaches to teaching.)

So back to this pasta I’m cooking. I’m back on my diet after going to every fast food place in town. I’ve thankfully not gotten too big but, alas, I have to really watch my intake again. I’m hoping with the full time job and the regular schedule it will cut my food down to size once again. I will no longer be sitting around being bored at night and munching as a form of entertainment. (I have even resorted to food shopping as an activity of exercise and mental occupation in the wee hours of evening.)

I’m starting a different exercise routine as the treadmill in my local gym has been broken for, oh, 3 months now (at least). I started jogging a bit on Friday and while I could be doing the same today, I have these papers around me and the starvation making me ill at the moment, so instead I’m typing and waiting for my whole wheat rotini to boil for 15 minutes.

11/11/2008 
10:50 
I’ll tell you what I’m sick of. I’m sick of stupid Firefox. I don’t understand why its add-ons break the browser. I don’t understand why some add-on toolbars show up whenever they feel like it. I don’t understand why websites simply won’t work in it sometimes. I don’t understand why it lost its appeal so quickly just by being crummy. I don’t understand how I can need, yet another browser, such as Chrome to combat Firefox’s lack of performance. And I thought IE was bad. Sheesh.

Anyway, I’ll put together this blog post today. It’s been a while so I really should get cracking on it. I worked at school late last night so some work is done, but, alas, some work still needs to be completed. And no calls for my new job yet, no calls from Librarian School. Only random hang up calls from Unknown callers as usual.

Man, I’ll be glad when I can work and get the credit monsters off my back, at least for a while.

12:31 
No sooner did I write that when I was called for my new job. I start on Monday. Of course, thanks to my parents, I started getting that second guessing feeling of, “You know it’s only temp work. You only get temp work, you never get regular work like everyone else…” Stupid thoughts. At least I can fight them off a lot easier now though.


Photo credit: LivingWilderness

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When I first started this blog, years ago in an after party of my own, late one night at my parents’ house, setting up my LiveJournal account, I entitled my new world of internet wonder: “The Beginning is the End is the Beginning” (or was it the other way around? I forget.) Anyway, in all dramatic Billy Corgan fashion, I had started on a little endeavor that was without a real direction or purpose. Here, today, with the rain and sleepy gray feeling out town, I have past across an actual finish line.



I finished the work for my degree (insert fanfare here) and officially applied for graduation at my school. Seems the degree part won’t be awarded until October 19th or something, but nonetheless, the workload is completed. After finishing those three, final, English literature classes back to back, one month at a time, I set my mind to finishing my thesis work (I had some piddly things that I had put off for months and I wrote each day in some sort of list or notebook; finish this, would ya?) I’m such a dumdum for not doing that stuff sooner but, alas, procrastination gets the better of me every time. It’s the way I’ve always been and I honestly don’t see any recourse from it only that it makes me feel guilty. Since guilt isn’t something good and feeling condemned by something that you create in your head (or, as in my case, as people have told me to feel condemned about since I was old enough to sit in a school desk - something I tried to wiggle out of as much as possible) I don’t see much need for concern. If it’s not something that really matters when it gets done, then, sheesh, who cares?



Anyway, so now that all of it has been turned in and I’m awaiting my final grades to be put in, I’ve already been on some interviews for teaching jobs. Now, I’ve not worked for over a year now and I’m still awaiting financial aid to send me a scrap of cash (something they can’t discuss until all the bills are paid - bills that include a $100 graduation fee. Oh no, I didn’t make that up.) If this job I applied for yesterday works out, then I’ll be able to start working next month, now that I have my degree. If I can’t work then, more than likely after Christmas I’ll have something.



However, now that my deadlines of school has finished, I feel out of sorts. Nothing to stress about that is in the means of productivity. Nothing to mark in my little day planner as an important date. Just me and the cat and the sound of the air conditioner running. (That broke during the last hurricane, by the way, and it took three attempts before the maintenance guys finally got the “small” leak repaired. Nice.) But while this stagnant feeling has taken over me, I see that it is an end to my last hurdle. When I started my work in the writing program it was because I was sitting at a desk in a public school, hating my job and stressing about it so badly that my body was eating at itself to create illness. I realized then, that teaching was something that tore me from my real love of writing and I wanted something for myself to work towards. Otherwise, each day was devoted to trying to stay in cohorts with the evil administrators and Lord knows that’s just not part of the plan for anyone. So…online and upwards in education I went.



The funny thing is, now that I have the degree to get away from the horrible teaching days, I’m getting lulled back into it. Granted it makes sense that someone with an English degree and a Creative Writing degree would only be able to sit at her own desk and type away at a little machine, or go into a classroom and teach her wide range of knowledge just to keep herself in a home. But as I realized yesterday, being shown the new hopeful classroom (it has windows!) and given books (free books) and materials, and being introduced to people at the school, I got the distinct feeling that I was going to be able to head out for another change in my life. And yes, it freaks me out, but no, I’m not going to shy away from it. For starters, I need the money; that’s obvious. For seconds, I need some new deadlines, goals, objectives and, hell, people to talk to in the physical form who are not close relatives. I couldn’t stand most of the teachers I worked with and at the interviews I went to these past few months, I saw that negative, ready to strike, overly critical look in some of their eyes. But I also met some very nice ladies, like the one yesterday, who would be lovely to work for. Nice, friendly, chatty, helpful and polite. You can tell when things are right for you or when they are not. Some interviews I went to, I thought, “Oh hell, no, I’m not going through the kind of pain they’re looking to dunk me into.” But others I felt at ease sitting with them.



I have also realized that teaching is a bit too much of a social task for me. Granted, I don’t know if I’ll feel like this once I get into the college arena. I may love that. I know I loved college after I left the horrible high school years. I know I loved the university after I went through all the bull in my early years at the community college too. Without the regime of the state standards and the women who preserve it, I may have a much better time at the private school or at the community colleges. I’m not dismissing that possibility at all. However, I don’t think I’m going to stay with that career move for long. For one thing, when I was at an interview last month, I was told that more than half of a college’s staff is part-time and it’s “extremely hard” to get full-time work over being an adjunct. My interviewer’s advice, “Go back to teaching high school.” Um…okay, no. Not unless I had a certificate and experience and full metal armor, would I go back into that arena. No, I wouldn’t even go back even if they couldn’t find some way to gossip about my faults; it’s not worth it. You waste your whole life and never get to fulfill yourself. Not that helping people is bad and not that I didn’t love working with the kids. I’ll love working with the “kids”, fresh outta high school hipsters who join my classes. But public school in Florida. Nope. Never again.



So my option for moving out of the education realm came across my mind earlier this year; to be a librarian. Now I don’t recall exactly how I came up with this idea. I think I was looking around at education websites or career websites or something and I saw jobs for librarians. I started musing about the idea but never really mentioned it to anyone because, well, I’m tired of mentioning it to people who make some negative comment about what I say, just to give “advice”, so I kept this and a lot of other things to myself. But anyway, so I started investigating what it takes to become a librarian saw that you only need a Master’s Degree in Librarian and Information Science, so I started looking up potential online programs. Some of them were asking for high GRE scores which I never could get after attempting that test three times. (Even though, at the time, I still had that chip on my shoulder that has since dissolved) and some were just way too expensive. So I found a handful of schools that were reasonably priced and that had admission requirements that I could manage. I applied to some, got some professors to write me some letters of recommendation (I’m still waiting on three and the deadline is in two weeks - yay!), a letter stating why I’d be such a good librarian, and the money to pay for the application and transcript request fees. It’s that money bit that gets me every time.



And that’s all I can say right now about the outline of my life’s events. These are the things that I chalk up to “professional” or “work” sense even though I’m really thinking about posting an actual website for my “real” me stuff (you know, use my real name, talk about my personal life, talk about my writing, lift the veil of half anonymity) and I will soon enough. There’s more I need to write in a real sense instead of in an escapism sense. Still, escapism is the purpose for writing anyway so this here little bloggy will have to stick too.





Photo credit: florian.b



http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=93

I wrote this in my notebook as I was on my porch, smoking these old Camel lights that have been in one of my kitchen drawers for, oh a year now. I am like those stupid Become and EX commercials that talks about re-learning how to do certain things without cigarettes. For me, unfortunately, it’s writing. I’ve tried to write an entry for a while about the internal stuff that’s going on with me. There are some past actions and reaction, aside from writing without smoking, that I’m trying to unlearn.

Some months ago, I was lying in bed, wondering if I was going to be the girl who was always alone. Every past action indicated to that assumption. But I realized, that night, that it was me that was causing the empty bed and the lack of a friend-based relationship. I was alone because I had trained myself to believe that I was “supposed” to be alone. (What does that Interpol song say? “I’m sick of spending these lonely night, training myself not to care”?)
Now Lord knows that after having one guy say and do the worst, manipulative and dishonest things to me at a young age, when I thought that was all I could get, even thought I knew it was wrong, I was still hurt and discouraged. The idea of what “love” was to a man because a separate definition to what I defined the word to mean. Love meant calling me up, after tons of unanswered messages, telling me of his past conquests and hatred for my crying, even though “you know I still love you.” So once I figured out that everything I believed in his words were empty, I went on to try the same routine with two other guys directly after my divorce. Each one turned around one day to say, “I don’t understand what the big deal is” when they did something just as cruel. Hence, I became cemented in jealousy, anxiety, depression, guilt and disillusion.

And since those years long ago, I’ve sought after crushes who had the same kind of attitude towards me. They reeled me in, tossed me out, reeled me in, then berated me for having an emotional reactions to their inactions of care. Never once did I think I was choosing the wrong guys. Never once did it occur to me that I was setting myself up for failure on purpose because I didn’t think I deserved anything else.

By being a single woman in my modern world, I have had plenty of firsthand experience on the long, arduous process of relationship discussions. We have books and movies and television shows and music and friends who all talk about men. We have to be “smart” girls. We can’t put up with any man’s crap. We have to (as Dr. Phil says) “teach people how to treat us.” Men will do anything it takes to screw a woman over and we have to be on guard at all times. Basically, I have been fashioned into a bitch.
And since I have always been the one to be hurt, I never thought anything was my fault past not being beautiful, not being thin enough, not being like other girl who had husbands. I wasn’t bitchy enough I supposed and Lord knows I got plenty of resentment in myself when I was called “bitter.”
In the past month or so, something changed in me drastically. It was as if I finally saw myself on the inside and I found out that my past had been an excuse to carry a chip on my shoulder. I assumed all men were liars, cheaters, manipulators, skirt chasers and all-around jerks who delighted in nothing more than to push every button I had to make me crazy with anxiety and insecurity.
I started seeing that all this time, I was expecting people to say, “Oh, she’s had it bad before, so she has a right to be distrusting.” I had it said to me by women for years. I was set apart because I had this crappy past that I kept on call to use as a tool to week out any possible errors in a man’s character that would potentially make him “just like the others.”

But now I realize it’s been me this whole time that’s choosing to be bent out of shape over things that should be boxed up and buried. I am the one who accuses and assumes that every man is never going to be genuine or trustworthy or kind. So I set up fights and wait for an opportunity to pounce and say, “Ah ha! I knew it!” I lash out and keep myself “protected” instead of tearing down my wall that I took years to put up. I use to think, “I’ll try with this (wrong) guy, but if it doesn’t work (when I knew it wouldn’t because he wasn’t right for me), I’m putting another brick up and sealing myself off for good!” I wasn’t going to be anyone’s fool.

Nope, I’ve been my own fool all along. I saw mean and hurtful, unjust things. I get angry and jealous and worked up over nothing that is the actual truth — I make up reasons to not try and let anyone in.

So unlearning all of this is what I’ve been trying to do recently. I realized that all of the things I have gone through is my reason for writing. I always figured that I’d be able to tell my future audience the things I learned along the way. What I wanted to write about is how I figured out, at age 32, that shutting the door in any man’s face before they even try to know is anything but smart. I learned that it isn’t that someone is going to have to save me from being hurt; I have to save myself from being someone to does the hurting. I’ve learned not to repeat my patterns, but to grow out of them and evolve.
I apologize for any rocks I may have kicked up as I tried to set myself on my path.

Photo credit: remotd

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